Ugh. Now Ryan’s dad and step mom are getting involved with this marriage stuff. And Terri, his step mom, is now saying we have to have a little ceremony because for some reason terri and ricky invited themselves on this little journey. So I told terri, “if you want a ceremony you pay for the judge. We dont have the money and we didn’t even say you could come.” She hung up on me. I don’t give two fucks. This day is shitty already.
That was our original plan. My parents kept saying “get married now, we will still give you the wedding you want.” But, of course, just like everything else, they backed out of that. Which means Ryan and I would have to pay for it. But we have several other things like house repairs that have to come first. So, realistically, if we were to ever have a wedding, it would be a long long time from now. And by then, I wouldn’t see the point in doing it. :/
I’ve been getting really aggressive and angry recently. Im also falling back into feeling really violent urges. For example, Ryan takes up a lot of the bed when he sleeps. He sleeps curved almost into a fetal position. His butt is touching me and it is taking everything in me not to roll over and punch him/throw him off the bed. Another example, I was putting food in zelda’s bowl and she was eating as I was pouring, I almost kicked her off the deck. I swung my body away and kicked air last second. Every little thing sets off all these angry violent triggers in me and it is hard to control.
I also have started doing things like pulling my hair and scratching myself again. I looked at what all I still have to do for the nursery and actually ripped a larger clump of hair out while screaming.
It has been so long since I have felt like this. It scares me because I know where it is going to go from here if I don’t get help. But I feel like nothing could help me and I will get stuck again.
If you can’t tell, I’ve had a rough couple of weeks. My emotions are running to high.
So tomorrow Ryan and I are going to get married. My parents, well my dad, is forcing it on us. He said if we don’t get married then he is going to stop being supportive and helping where he can. He also went as far as saying he would take away all the baby items they have bought for Emma, which is a large portion of what we have.
Up until now I have just kind of accepted it. Ryan and I want to get married, so we just have been taking the pressure to do it.
Now that it is so close, it is really getting to me. We wanted to do it on our time. After we had Emma and had become more financially stable and used to parenthood. Right now, we can barely afford to pay the $100 for the license (which my parents were supposed to pay) much less rings or any kind of ceremony.
But tomorrow we are going to the county clerk when Ryan gets off work. He is going to be covered in dirt and sweaty from work, I’m probably still going to be sick and in pain. And we are just going to get a license and get it signed. That’s it. That’s all we get. We dont get to share it with family, we don’t get to have an actual wedding with the big moments that we would remember forever. I didn’t even get a proposal or anything. My dad literally sat us down and told us we were getting married or else. My parents don’t care what we want and we dont want to risk losing their help right now to go against them.
I just want one thing to go smoothly and how ryan and I want it too.
When Ryan’s mom moved out, she didn’t thank us for coming in and saving her house and keeping her from being homeless. She didn’t offer any kind of help or reimbursement (she promised she would, or I wouldn’t have been so peeved about it.) And she sure as hell didn’t clean any of her mess or anything. Her room was a biohazard that she left for me to clean. She also left behind junk and clutter. Now she is in this new house that her boyfriend just gave her (he has 2 houses??) She constantly posts facebook statuses saying how great he is for helping her out and providing a place to live and how wonderful he is. She apparently now has the money to repaint and repair everything in this new house of hers. And she has been spending the past week scrubbing it head to toe to clean it and organize it and remove previous clutter. It really pisses me off because she couldn’t even say thanks to Ryan and I. She didn’t even so much as vacuum her room or just spray a little air freshner to help the smell (she smoked in her room despite us begging her not too.) Oh, and she doesnt smoke in her new house because it is ‘unhealthy’ and bad for the house. Wtf, where was that mindset through over half my pregnancy. She sure as hell didn’t give two shits about the clutter she created in this house. And last, she suddenly has all these funds to re-do this house, but she doesn’t have the money to replace the busted water heater she left Ryan and I with, or money to help fix the flooded mildewy floor from the water heater or any of the other thousand repairs she neglected in this house for years. Even after she has promised us she would help pay for these repairs since they were caused by her neglect, but whenever we bring it up she acts like she has no money and can’t even feed herself. Even though Ryan’s sister has tokd us all about how she suddenly has all these savings and is living beyond comfortably.
It drives both ryan and I fucking insane. So now we really are contemplating finding a new house for cheaper or a nice apartment and just leaving this one. It isn’t in our names, it isn’t healthy to live in and yeah we agreed to take it over under the terms that his mother would help with fixing it up and help us get it back to a good state. But she abandoned us with it and hasn’t stuck to her end of the deal at all. So why should we struggle and put ourselves in money problems with it?
We shouldn’t.
And I sure as hell don’t want to bring my child into this house or raise her in it while it is in this awful state. I’m scared to death it is going to make her sick.
Everywhere you look--Dizzy Whip: News! -
Everyone, I’m elated to tell you that Tumblr will be joining Yahoo.
Before touching on how awesome this is, let me try to allay any concerns: We’re not turning purple. Our headquarters isn’t moving. Our team isn’t changing. Our roadmap isn’t changing. And our mission – to empower…
Downside to having all of Ryan’s friends over for the weekend?
I cleaned the whole house Friday, now it is Monday and it looks worse than before. I told Ryan I was sleeping all day and it will be his job to clean it.
Gracious. Every freaking night, no matter what I do, when I got to lay down and sleep I get bad pains and extremely uncomfortable and my stomach gets unbearably hard. Make. It. Stop. My doctor said it was normal. I think I could tell him my eyes were bleeding and feet fell off and he would say, “oh that’s normal”
excited for everyone to totally forget that yahoo owns tumblr in like 5 months
The top of my stomach (about an inch below my breasts) is hard and hurting rather bad. I’m also extremely nauseous, I cant eat or drink anything without it getting worse, but my body won’t throw up. I’ve also been having a lot of throbbing down below, andy upper thighs, especially close to my pelvic area, feel like they are ripping or something. I can barely turn over in bed or sit up.
When I went to look it up online, I couldn’t find anything. I called my doctors office for their overnight nurses, but I am on hold. My doctor said to always call the office first and they will let me know whether or not I should deal with L&D.
This is so unpleasant. I thought maybe it was indigestion or gas, but I took tums like normal and it did nothing. Any suggestions?
I hate when I get a new pain and try to Google it before calling the doctor (to see whether it really is anything to worry about.) And I have to sift through a thousand babycenter articles of women trying to diagnose each other before I find an actual medical page that is helpful.
Ah, man. Ryan went to his friend Clint’s house and left me home alone. Which I was okay with. But then I got bored and lonely and started having some weird pains. So I sent Ryan a text telling him and letting him know not to drink a lot just in case of anything. And next thing I know they are all pulling up and they came and tucked me in and now they are going to watch Monsters Inc. with me. They even sang a little lullaby to Emma. It was horribly off key and I laughed the whole time. Now I am cuddling Ryan and we are surrounded by the greatest friends and I am so happy. Corey, his other friend, keeps turning around and making sure I am okay and asking if I need Tylenol. Goodness, I am going to have to make them breakfast in the morning. c:
[video]
good thing the boss leaves work through a secret elevator in his office so he wont see this and you can keep it up instead of just putting up to take a picture and then take it down so you dont get in trouble
(Source: shit-thatblows, via itsvondell)